Nonviolent Communication and Crucial Conversations

Ultimately, the objective in both books is to give us tools to navigate the complexity of our relationships through improving how we communicate with others.

A Comparative Study

Download this article as PDF here.

Introduction

I’ve always recognized the significance of relationships and interpersonal dynamics. This understanding seems to resonate with the authors of the two books that I am comparing in this post, as they have devoted considerable effort to writing and publishing on this topic:

"When we first published Crucial Conversations in 2002, we made a bold claim. We argued that the root cause of many — if not most — human problems lies in how people behave when we disagree about high-stakes, emotional issues. We suggested that dramatic improvements in organizational performance were possible if people learned the skills routinely practiced by those who have found a way to master these high-stakes, crucial moments." (Grenny, Joseph; Patterson, Kerry; McMillan, Ron; Switzler, Al; Gregory, Emily. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Third Edition (Preface, ix). References throughout the rest of this paper will be abbreviated to the format, "CC, page no.")
"Personal reality always contains a story, and the story we live, beginning from infancy, is based on language. This became the foundation of Marshall’s approach to conflict resolution, getting people to exchange words in a way that excludes judgments, blame, and violence." (Rosenberg, Marshall B.; Chopra, Deepak. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Forward, xiii). References throughout the rest of this paper will be abbreviated to the format, "NVC, page no.")
"Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?" (Opening paragraph, NVC, 1)

The primary purpose of both books is to highlight the importance of navigating the complexity of our relationships using the only real tools we have to interact: through communication. While in some utopian future state we might evolve to communicate telepathically, for now, we are limited to language. Communication, however, involves more than just words. It’s important to recognize that when discussing communication, we are trying to convey the ideas that motivate and drive our actions.

"Each of us enters conversations with our own thoughts and feelings about the topic at hand. This unique combination makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us, but also propels our every action." (CC, 26)

Why this study?

I have been deeply engaged in studying Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, for over six months. I am impressed with Rosenberg’s work and the insights and understanding it offers on how to address the root of any conflict I encounter. The practical tools provided for interacting in healthy and meaningful ways with others have been delightfully enlightening. In October, I shared my enthusiasm with a friend. He mentioned that it sounded much like a similar book on this subject titled Crucial Conversations. I had heard of this book. It had been recommended to me by several others over the years, but I had not yet managed to fit it into my reading schedule.

Rosenberg’s book has left me with a strong impression that what he provides are key principles, that once understood, I could use to measure the validity and utility of any other work about interpersonal communication. Naturally, I became curious about how the highly endorsed Crucial Conversations compares with Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (hereafter abbreviated “NVC”). I told my friend that Crucial Conversations (hereafter abbreviated “CC”) had been on my reading list, so I committed to read it, compare the two, and share my findings with him. This post is the result of my study.

Get to the root before attempting to strategize solutions.

Most of our communication focuses on identifying what’s wrong, and then attempting to fix it.  Rosenberg, however, suggests that it’s not until we are able to identify our feelings and become aware of our true needs, can we begin to offer strategies for resolving differences. 

This idea is well put in his chapter on “Conflict Resolution and Mediation”:

"In my experience, connecting people at this level isn’t psychotherapy; it’s actually the core of mediation because when you make the connection, the problem solves itself most of the time. Instead of a third head asking, 'What can we agree to here?,' if we had a clear statement of each person’s needs — what those parties need right now from each other — we will then discover what can be done to get everybody’s needs met. These become the strategies the parties agree to implement after the mediation session concludes and the parties leave the room. When you make the connection, the problem usually solves itself." (NVC, 163-164)

Rosenberg’s NVC Process

The principle sounds simple enough, but a lot of practice is needed. We need to train ourselves how not to think judgmentally, or in other words, violently. Rosenberg’s NVC process involves focusing on four key areas:

"To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas — referred to as the four components of the NVC model." (NVC, 6)

The four components of NVC 

  • The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being 
  • How we feel in relation to what we observe 
  • The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings 
  • The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives (NVC, 7)

These are the basics of the NVC model in a nutshell. Understanding how to employ them in your relationships will require study. I encourage readers to consult the book to fully appreciate its power. At its core, NVC teaches us to identify true needs. All humanity draws from the same pool of needs. Once we can identify each other’s true needs, we begin to see the common humanity we share. This often requires being vulnerable and recognizing our own and others’ feelings. Here is a list of common human needs:

  • Sustenance: Basic survival needs such as food, water, shelter, and rest.
  • Safety: Physical safety, security, and protection.
  • Love: Affection, intimacy, and emotional connection.
  • Understanding/Empathy: Being heard, understood, and receiving empathy.
  • Creativity: Opportunities for self-expression and creativity.
  • Recreation: Play, fun, and relaxation.
  • Belonging: A sense of community, acceptance, and connection with others.
  • Autonomy: Independence, freedom, and the ability to make choices.
  • Meaning: Purpose, contribution, and a sense of fulfillment (https://www.sociocracyforall.org/nvc-feelings-and-needs-list/).

Principles of Crucial Conversations

Here is a summary of the main principles outlined in Crucial Conversations:

  • Start with Heart: Focus on what you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship. Stay true to your goals and avoid getting sidetracked by emotions.
  • Learn to Look: Be aware of when a conversation becomes crucial. Pay attention to signs of stress or silence and recognize when safety is at risk.
  • Make It Safe: Create a safe environment for dialogue. Establish mutual purpose and mutual respect to ensure everyone feels comfortable sharing their views.
  • Master My Stories: Take control of your emotions by examining the stories you tell yourself. Separate facts from your interpretations and assumptions.
  • State My Path: Share your views clearly and confidently. Use facts and describe your perspective without exaggeration or judgment.
  • Explore Others’ Paths: Encourage others to share their views. Listen actively, ask questions, and show genuine interest in their perspectives.
  • Move to Action: Turn the conversation into action. Decide on next steps, assign responsibilities, and follow up to ensure accountability.

What are Feelings?

Crucial Conversations (CC) is filled with examples and practical advice on communication. It reads like a great motivational self-help book, backed by studies and years of experience from skilled practitioners of the CC method. I was able to identify the principles in CC and relate them to similar ideas in Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC). For example, CC emphasizes that being aware of one’s feelings is crucial for having an effective crucial conversation. In fact, chapter five in CC, “Master My Stories”, focus on this subject. It makes this important point:

"It’s important to get in touch with your feelings, and to do so, you may want to expand your emotional vocabulary." (CC, 87)

It was on seeing how CC dealt with the subject of feelings, that the key difference between the two books started to become evident.

An example is related in chapter three of CC, “Choose Your Topic”:

"I am the only nonwhite person on my team. I have been called by the wrong name multiple times in meetings by my immediate manager..."

Discussing ways for this person to decide how best to proceed, one option included:

"Talk relationship. Let your manager know that your name is an important part of your identity, and that you feel disrespected when someone you work with regularly doesn’t take the time to learn it. Or perhaps even more important, you feel disrespected by the suggestion that you change it." (CC, 44-45, emphasis mine)

Rosenberg would point out that “feeling disrespected” is not a true feeling:

"In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.

Description of what we think we are:  
'I feel inadequate as a guitar player.' 
In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings.

Expressions of actual feelings:
'I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.' 
'I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.' 
'I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.' 
The actual feeling behind my assessment of myself as 'inadequate' could therefore be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion. 

Likewise, it is helpful to differentiate between words that describe what we think others are doing around us, and words that describe actual feelings." (NVC, 42)

On the following page, NVC provides a list of what we might call faux, or false feelings:

"Words like ignored express how we interpret others, rather than how we feel. Here is a sampling of such words:" (See NVC, 43)
abandonedco-optedmisunderstoodtaken for granted
abusedcorneredneglectedthreatened
attackeddiminishedoverworkedunappreciated
betrayeddistrustedpatronizedunheard
boxed-ininterruptedpressuredunseen
bulliedintimidatedprovokedunsupported
cheatedlet downput downunwanted
coercedmanipulatedrejectedused

How CC deals with the topic of feelings is elaborated on in chapter five:

"Actually, identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate. When asked to describe how they’re feeling, they use words such as “bad” or “angry” or “scared” — which would be OK if these were accurate descriptors, but often they’re not. Individuals say they’re angry when, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise. Or they suggest they’re unhappy when they’re feeling violated. Perhaps they suggest they’re upset when they’re really feeling humiliated and hurt. 
Since life doesn’t consist of a series of vocabulary tests, you might wonder what difference words can make. But words do matter. Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why. For instance, you’re far more likely to take an honest look at the story you’re telling yourself if you admit you’re feeling both embarrassed and surprised rather than simply angry.
When you take the time to precisely articulate what you’re feeling, you begin to put a little bit of daylight between you and the emotion. This distance lets you move from being hostage to the emotion to being an observer of it. When you can hold it at a little distance from yourself, you can examine it, study it, and begin to change it. But that process can’t begin until you name it.
How about you? When experiencing strong emotions, do you stop and think about what you’re feeling? If so, do you use a rich vocabulary, or do you mostly draw from terms such as ‘OK,’ ‘bummed out,’ ‘ticked off,’ or ‘frustrated’? Second, do you talk openly with others about how you feel? Do you willingly talk with loved ones about what’s going on inside you? Third, in so doing, do you take the time to get below the easy-to-say emotions and accurately identify those that take more vulnerability to acknowledge (like shame, hurt, fear, and inadequacy)?
It’s important to get in touch with your feelings, and to do so, you may want to expand your emotional vocabulary." (CC, 86-87, emphasis mine)

CC nails it, while at the same time missing a crucial point that using a counterfeit feeling like “violated” is not a true feeling. This is a significant distinction in NVC. As pointed out above, words like “violated” and “humiliated” are evaluative words, not true feelings. Being “violated” invokes some form of judgement that would require a “violator.” For one to be “humiliated” requires there be a “humiliator.” Use of such terms increases defensiveness and resistance.

"A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, 'I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,' the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think. In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:

Words such as that, like, as if:
'I feel that you should know better.' 
'I feel like a failure.'
'I feel as if I’m living with a wall.' 

The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:
'I feel I am constantly on call."
'I feel it is useless.'

Names or nouns referring to people:  
'I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.' 
'I feel my boss is being manipulative.' 

Conversely, in the English language, it is not necessary to use the word feel at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, 'I’m feeling irritated,' or simply, 'I’m irritated.'" (NVC, 41)

Building a Vocabulary for Feelings

CC encourages we expand our emotional vocabulary. NVC takes it further by compiling lists to help increase our power to articulate feelings and clearly describe a whole range of emotional states.

Feelings (Emotions) when Needs are Met

AFFECTIONATEEXCITEDGRATEFULPEACEFUL
compassionateamazedappreciativecalm
friendlyanimatedmovedcentered
lovingardentthankfulclear headed
open heartedarousedtouchedcomfortable
sympatheticastonished content
tenderdazzledHOPEFULequanimous
warmeagerexpectantfulfilled
 energeticencouragedmellow
CONFIDENTenthusiasticoptimisticquiet
empoweredgiddy relaxed
openinvigoratedINSPIREDrelieved
proudlivelyamazedsatisfied
safepassionateawedserene
securesurprisedwonderstill
 vibrant tranquil
ENGAGED JOYFULtrusting
absorbedEXHILARATEDamused 
alertblissfuldelightedREFRESHED
curiousecstaticgladenlivened
enchantedelatedhappyrejuvenated
engrossedenthralledjubilantrenewed
entrancedexuberantpleasedrested
fascinatedradianttickledrestored
interestedrapturous revived
intriguedthrilled  
involved   
spellbound   
stimulated   

Feelings (Emotions) when Needs are NOT Met

AFRAIDCONFUSEDEMBARRASSEDSAD (cont.)
apprehensiveambivalentashamedheavy hearted
dreadbaffledchagrinedhopeless
forebodingbewilderedflusteredmelancholy
frighteneddazedguiltyunhappy
mistrustfulhesitantmortifiedwretched
panickedlostself-conscious 
petrifiedmystified TENSE
scaredperplexedFATIGUEanxious
suspiciouspuzzledbeatcranky
terrifiedtornburnt outdistressed
wary depleteddistraught
worriedDISCONNECTEDexhaustededgy
 alienatedlethargicfidgety
ANGRYalooflistlessfrazzled
enragedapatheticsleepyirritable
furiousboredtiredjittery
incensedcoldwearynervous
indignantdetachedworn outoverwhelmed
iratedistant restless
lividdistractedPAINstressed out
outragedindifferentagony 
resentfulnumbanguishedVULNERABLE
 removedbereavedfragile
ANNOYEDuninteresteddevastatedguarded
aggravatedwithdrawngriefhelpless
disgruntled heartbrokeninsecure
dismayedDISQUIEThurtleery
displeasedagitatedlonelyreserved
exasperatedalarmedmiserablesensitive
frustrateddiscombobulatedregretfulshaky
impatientdisconcertedremorseful 
irkeddisturbed YEARNING
irritatedperturbedSADenvious
 rattleddejectedjealous
AVERSIONrestlessdepressedlonging
animosityshockeddespairnostalgic
appalledstartleddespondentpining
contemptsurpriseddisappointedwistful
disgustedtroubleddiscouraged 
disliketurbulentdisheartened 
hateturmoilforlorn 
horrifieduncomfortablegloomy 
hostileuneasy  
repulsedunnerved  
 unsettled  
 upset  

The Need for Safety

CC emphasizes the need to recognize when safety is at risk. 

"If what we’re suggesting here is true, then the problem is not the message. The problem is that you and I fail to help others feel safe hearing the message. If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk." (CC, 112, emphasis mine)

Here CC has identified what could either be a common human need for “safety”, or an actual feeling, that of feeling “safe,” (which could likewise be expressed as feeling “confident,” “empowered,” or “secure”). On the other hand, if used as an expression of a universal human need, this would be another example that Rosenberg identifies in NVC, of the common confusion generated by the English language where the word feel is used without expressing a feeling.

In NVC it is an important distinction to be able to separate feelings from needs in order to truly connect with ourselves and others. Rosenberg points out in the opening chapter of NVC:

"NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others." (NVC, 3, emphasis mine)

In my own experience with learning NVC, the challenge of “reframing” has not been easy. It has taken a conscious practice to increase my awareness and vocabulary around feelings and needs, but the results have had a profound effect on my ability to navigate difficult conversations. 

Earlier in the book, CC pointed out how:

"No matter how comfortable it might make you feel to say it, others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, insulted, or hurt. You and only you create your emotions." (CC, 75)

NVC also confirms this idea:

"Another kind of life-alienating communication is denial of responsibility. Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The use of the common expression have to, as in 'There are some things you have to do, whether you like it or not,' illustrates how personal responsibility for our actions can be obscured in speech. The phrase makes one feel, as in 'You make me feel guilty,' is another example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts." (NVC, 19)

It is an important distinction to point out what CC is NOT saying. To the extent that we may imply that by our words we can “make” others “feel unsafe”, we imply something that is fundamentally untrue.

Earlier in this post we listed some common human needs that were identified in NVC. To the degree that CC treats safety as common human need, making it the main object is to prioritize it over other fundamental human needs. In practice, it is a difficult thing to learn the art of identifying needs. For me, I think prioritizing the need for safety over other equally important needs would hinder the intent of NVC to get to the true root needs. This is one reason I find focusing on the NVC approach to communicating much preferred over the model presented in CC.

What About Violence?

The final point I would like to make is to examine how the two books treat the topic of violence. 

In CC violence gets defined:

"Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince or control others or compel them to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats." (CC, 117)

In NVC, “violence” is rooted in judgement. The concept is based on what one instructor of the NVC method referred to as the “John Wayne effect.” In this scenario, if you walk into a bar and meet someone who is a good guy, you buy him a beer. If he’s a bad guy, you either beat him up or shoot him:

"The relationship between language and violence is the subject of psychology professor O.J. Harvey’s research at the University of Colorado. He took random samples of pieces of literature from many countries around the world and tabulated the frequency of words that classify and judge people. His study shows a high correlation between frequent use of such words and frequency of incidents. It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and believe that the ‘bad’ ones deserve to be punished. In 75 percent of the television programs shown during hours when American children are most likely to be watching, the hero either kills people or beats them up. This violence typically constitutes the ‘climax’ of the show. Viewers, having been taught that bad guys deserve to be punished, take pleasure in watching this violence." (NVC, 17-18)

When our words are framed as blame or judgement, they become what Rosenberg calls “life-alienating,” which blocks compassion:

"Such judgments are reflected in language: 'The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.' 'She’s lazy.' 'They’re prejudiced.' 'It’s inappropriate.' Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment. The Sufi poet Rumi once wrote, 'Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.' Life-alienating communication, however, traps us in a world of ideas about rightness and wrongness — a world of judgments." (NVC, 15-16)

So, to compare the two ideas, in CC violence “consists of a verbal strategy that attempts to force meaning into the pool,” whereas in NVC violence is the result of judgements that classify and label one another as “good” or “bad” where the “bad” ones deserve to be punished. Let me frame this as a question. To the degree that in NVC the word violence takes on a different meaning than how it is used in CC, is CC attempting to force a different meaning for this word into the pool, making its use of the word, by its own definition, a form of violence in itself?

From an NVC perspective, the key would be how the concept is communicated. If CC uses the term “violence” in a way that promotes empathy, understanding of underlying needs, and invites connection, it might not be seen as violence by NVC standards. But if it leads to judgment, blame, or disconnection, then one could argue it’s moving towards what NVC would consider violent communication.

Making Requests

One component of the NVC model is requesting that which would enrich life. Recall the four components of NVC:

  1. Observation
  2. Feelings
  3. Needs
  4. Requests. (See NVC, 6-7)

It’s typical for us to not want to have needs. We don’t want to be needy. We don’t want to expose ourselves to be vulnerable as someone with needs. Learning to ask for what I want has possibly been the most difficult part for me in learning and practicing NVC. The idea of making requests of others for what we need is an important element of the NVC model. NVC dedicates a chapter on “Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life”: 

"We have now covered the first three components of NVC, which address what we are observing, feeling, and needing. We have learned to do this without criticizing, analyzing, blaming, or diagnosing others, and in a way likely to inspire compassion. The fourth and final component of this process addresses what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us. When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs. How do we express our requests so that others are more willing to respond compassionately to our needs?" (NVC, 67)

To me this idea of making a request for my own needs is not expressly evident in CC, except where the authors identify the importance of determining what we really want:

"Choosing is a matter of filtering all the issues you’ve teased apart through a single question: 'What do I really want?'" (CC, 47-48)
"Clarity is crucial. But so is flexibility. Remember, this isn’t a monologue. It should be a dialogue. There are other people in this conversation, and they have their own wants and needs. In some Crucial Conversations, new issues will come up, and you need to balance focus (on your goals) with flexibility (to meet their goals)." (CC, 52)

Are you ask’n or tell’n?

Have you ever had someone make a request of you where you felt drawn to have them clarify (whether you actually expressed it out loud), “Are you asking me or are you telling me? Because if you are telling me, the answer is no.” 

It seems to be a built-in human condition to resist being bossed around. In NVC, respect, acceptance, trust, and cooperation are examples of common human needs. NVC has a section in chapter six on “Requests versus Demands”:

"Our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished." (NVC, 79)

The response others give to us when they perceive our request as a demand, appears to be the subject of what the CC model identifies as “feeling unsafe”:

"When others begin to feel unsafe, they start acting in annoying ways. They may make fun of you, insult you, or steamroll you with their arguments. In such moments, you should be thinking to yourself: 'Hey, they’re feeling unsafe. I need to do something — maybe make it safer.'" (CC, 114)

We see this idea emerge in how CC uses the terms silence and violence: 

"Learn to identify the two kinds of behavior that will clue you in to the fact that someone’s feeling unsafe. We refer to them as silence and violence." (CC, 115)

NVC identifies two kinds of behavior when the other person perceives our request as a demand:

  • When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.
  • To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
  • It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges. (Or lays a guilt trip)
  • It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs. (See NVC, 79-80)

Where CC encourages “rebuilding safety,” NVC encourages “showing empathy”:

"When safety is at risk and you notice people moving to silence or violence, you need to step out of the content of the conversation (literally stop talking about the topic of your conversation) and rebuild safety." (CC, 133)

In NVC empathy is something that we may need to show toward others when we become aware that they perceive our request as a demand. Empathy is also something we may need to give to ourselves:

"We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (1) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy; (2) scream nonviolently; or (3) take time out." (NVC, 104)

In CC the focus is on identifying the kinds of behavior exhibited by others that clue us in to when they may be feeling unsafe, so that we can then take steps to “make it safe” (See CC, 127). NVC wants us to recognize that we ourselves are just as likely to be the ones who need safety1:

"The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or 'laid guilt trips' on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands. We also pay for others’ use of such tactics. To the degree that people in our lives have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage to every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in any request." (NVC, 79)

Conclusion

Ultimately, the objective in both books is to give us tools to navigate the complexity of our relationships through improving how we communicate with others. This study has left me convinced that the effort I have spent in trying to master the tools of NVC has not been wasted. Though CC offers a great method on how to approach difficult conversations when stakes are high, for me NVC gets me closer to the heart of my true intent, in fact, my true “need,” for heartfelt connection with others. Once that can be attained, the issues that divide us tend to resolve themselves.  From the chapter “Conflict Resolution and Mediation,” Rosenberg puts it this way:

"My experience has taught me that it’s possible to resolve just about any conflict to everybody’s satisfaction. All it takes is a lot of patience, the willingness to establish a human connection, the intention to follow NVC principles until you reach a resolution, and trust that the process will work.
In NVC-style conflict resolution, creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing. This is what enables all the other steps of NVC to work, because it’s not until you have forged that connection that each side will seek to know exactly what the other side is feeling and needing. The parties also need to know from the start that the objective is not to get the other side to do what they want them to do. And once the two sides understand that, it becomes possible — sometimes even easy—to have a conversation about how to meet their needs." (NVC, 161-162)

  1. I think the ideas are presented sufficiently clear as stated above, but here in this footnote I explore the interpersonal interactions between the two models (CC and NVC) a little further:

    Silence or Violence, Submit or Rebel


    From CC Perspective
    Person A identifies when “safety is at risk” when Person B responds in silence or violence (acts in “annoying ways”). You also want to be aware of your own behavior, “your style under stress” (see CC, 120). Are you interacting with silence or violence yourself?

    From NVC Perspective
    It’s not, How do I know Person B feels “safe or unsafe”. In NVC that’s not the question. In NVC the question is how does Person B know Person A is making a request or a demand? The answer is if Person A is judging or criticizing or blaming or laying a guilt trip. In words of CC, it is responding with silence (for example a guilt trip) or with violence (for example criticizing or blaming). If it is a demand, Person B is left to respond by either submitting or rebelling (which can be considered a form of silence or violence itself).

    Defensiveness
    In CC people who feel unsafe become defensive because of one of two reasons:

    “You first need to understand why someone feels unsafe. People never become defensive about what you’re saying (the content of your message). They become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it (the intent). Said another way, safety in a conversation is about intent, not content. When people become defensive, it is because either:
    1. You have a bad intent toward them (and they are accurately picking up on that).
    Or:
    2. They have misunderstood your good intent.” (CC, 133)

    Similarly, in NVC a person may feel they have only two options (submit or rebel) when they become aware the request is actually a demand. NVC encourages us to remove judgement (whether the “intent” is “good” or “bad”), and focus instead on using empathy to open and connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. In the case of Person A that might be to become aware of his own demanding language and change something about his approach using empathy. In the case of Person B that might be to sense the “submit or rebel” instinct that arises within her and let him know how she feels and how the demand he is making does not meet her needs. In NVC there are not just two options or reasons for defensiveness. “Safe” and “unsafe” are among many feelings one may experience. Safety is only one of many other needs we may have. There are more than only two reasons for resistance, defensive, and aggressive reactions. ↩︎

Jay’s Learning Model Revisited

The purpose of this model is to have a tool that can be used to evaluate a faith-based approach to learning.

This model is an updated version of the one originally published on September 9, 2020. See blog post Living Polar Bears and Dead Frogs – My Learning Model.

The purpose of this model is to have a tool that can be used to evaluate a faith-based approach to learning. There are two key statements that formed the inspiration behind the model.

The first statement is:

“A position that begins with an inflexible1 conclusion and seeks ‘evidence’ to support it is impervious to reason”

Steve Cuno

This statement forms the top and bottom of the model separated by the horizontal axis, with “rigid” at the top and “flexible” at the bottom. As the statement describes, it is rather impossible to learn anything new unless one is flexible enough to receive it.

The second statement is:

“And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.”

D&C 88:118

This statement forms the left and right of the model separated by the vertical axis, with “faith” on the right. On the left I have placed the word “belief”. Not because “belief” is the opposite of “faith,” but because the purpose of the model is to emphasize that the preferred method of learning new truth is through “faith.” But as not everyone can easily approach learning from a place rooted in true faith, then (as the scripture indicates) the next best method is to approach it through study that can then lead to, or draw one toward, true faith.

To best comprehend what the model is communicating, it is important to understand that for the purpose of this model faith is being defined as something that is more than belief; a principle of action that requires one to act on belief in order to produce faith. Faith is being defined as a principle of power through action, in which one puts those beliefs into action and thereby acquires power. One can spend a lifetime as a “believer”2 without ever developing faith. Before belief can turn into faith, action is required. Without some action consistent with belief, a disciple cannot move along from mere belief to developing faith. It is action, obedience, and living in conformity to God’s will that yields faith.3

The movement from “belief” on the left toward “faith” on the right represents a section of points along a spectrum. Somewhere to the left of “belief” would include “doubt” and “unbelief”. To the right of “faith” would move one toward “knowledge”. Though he is not using the same vocabulary, Paul describes the process in these words:

“…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Rom 5:3-4. NIV
  1. The word “inflexible” has been added to the original statement so that it more correctly reflects truth. ↩︎
  2. Not in the sense used in Evangelical Christianity describing a saved brother or sister, but in the sense being described in the model. ↩︎
  3. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9. NIV) ↩︎

Well Behaved Women and Transgenderism

My prayer is that no matter where our political beliefs tend to draw us, individually we can still choose kindness and tolerance.

Some months ago someone shared with me a video. I couldn’t decide if I agreed with the idea being presented:

“Feminism has been one of the loudest advocates for the transgender minority. Miss magazine which is a U.S.-based feminist publication, has a yearly list of top feminists. Multiple women on this list were added simply for being transgender. As an ideology feminists aim to break the patriarchy and reinforce equality between men and women often citing things like the gender pay gap or tearing down stereotypes. But trans people fight for the exact opposite. They want the stereotype. They want the heels the long styled hair and the dresses. These are two groups that couldn’t be fighting for more opposite goals, but yet feminist groups continue to celebrate trans victories. [It] seems very strange that feminist organizations like Miss magazine, which fought for the eradication of female stereotypes like staying at home, or their place is the kitchen, would accept these stereotypes when it comes to transgender. Feminist movements can’t both support and not support female stereotypes at the same time. Now I will say that unlike the 2021 list of top feminists which had several trans women on it, the Miss magazine 2022 list of top feminists has none. So it appears that the wokeness is starting to wake up to some of its logic fallacies.” (5 Woke Contradictions, The Think Report, Jan 14, 2023)

I paused to reconsider the presenter’s conclusion about female stereotypes. There are harmful stereotypes and less harmful stereotypes. The example of a toddler that I relate below, seems to be a less harmful stereotype. Stereotypes of women, like staying at home, or their place is the kitchen, can be more harmful stereotypes. On the other hand, the stereotype that women are feminine and beautiful could be argued is a less harmful stereotype (acknowledging, of course, that any of these ideas are subject to abuse and can be more or less harmful in given circumstances).

“When I think of, say, a toddler, I think of a toddler as throwing tantrums, not eating what you give them to eat, being demanding and irrational. Those are all stereotypes about toddlers. Individual toddlers may behave differently.

A stereotype is a commonly held mental image, as our definition puts it, that represents an over-simplified opinion, a prejudiced attitude, or an unconsidered judgment about someone or something.” (A Totally Original History of ‘Stereotype’, emphasis mine.)

I can’t say that “an over-simplified opinion” is necessarily a bad thing, but “a prejudiced attitude or unconsidered judgment about someone” seems to approach something more clearly harmful or dangerous.

I wonder if the focus on stereotypes misses the more important point in this discussion.

Consider Laurel Thatcher Ulrich’s work. She wrote a book titled Well Behaved Women Don’t Make History, which has since been turned into a slogan. The title was taken from an earlier article she wrote about funerals in the Puritan era and the behavior of women. The article makes this sobering observation:

“In ministerial literature, as in public records, women became legitimately visible in only three ways: they married, they gave birth, they died.”

As demeaning as that sentence sounds, I think we should not be too quick to dismiss the significance of what is sandwiched between ‘they married’ and ‘they died’. Women alone carry within them the power to create life.

The Always ad campaign #LikeAGirl, focused on the female stereotype of ‘running like a girl‘. But the point extends beyond simply a message about the stereotype.

“What advice do you have to young girls who are told they run like a girl, kick like a girl, hit like a girl, swing like a girl?

Keep doing it cuz it’s working. If somebody else says that running like a girl or kicking like a girl or shooting like a girl is something that you shouldn’t be doing, that’s their problem. Because if you’re still scoring and you’re still getting to the ball on time, and you’re still being first, you’re doing it right. Doesn’t matter what they say. I mean yes I kick like a girl and I swim like a girl and I walk like a girl and I wake up in the morning like a girl, because I AM a girl.”

Being aquatinted with some friends and family who describe their experience with being transgender as a struggle, has drawn me to wonder. Whatever words you may use to describe femininity, it must include the kind of things that, if you are a male engaged in this struggle, you feel trapped in a body that is opposite of those traits and attributes. I can’t imagine the contradiction of living inside a body, complete with all the physical paraphernalia that makes up the male, feeling sexually confused and uncomfortable inside my own skin. It would stand to reason how the experience of depression and self loathing (words that have been used by those I know struggling with their transgenderism) would accompany living such a contradiction.

In their book A Hunter-Gatherer’s Guide to the 21st Century, Brett and Heather make a distinction between ‘hotness’ and ‘beauty’ and the roles these play in the evolutionary process. “Hotness fades fast with reproductive potential. Beauty fades far more slowly.” (See Heying, Heather; Weinstein, Bret. A Hunter-Gatherer’s Guide to the 21st Century (p. 119). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.) For some, there is little that can be done to create what could be considered attractive ‘hotness’, given the package within which they have to work. Depending on how much physical appearance is a factor in how one identifies and feels, this could additionally contribute to the challenges of depression and self-contempt.

There is a lot of attention given to those who would abuse transgenderism in order to serve a selfish or politicly motivated agenda. One obvious example is Avi Silverberg, the head coach for Team Canada Powerlifting for more than 10 years, entered Hero’s Classic tournament in Lethbridge, Alberta, after identifying as a female, and then winning the women’s competition.

This exemplifies the valid concern I raised recently at work when I posed the following question (directed to the women’s ally resource group):

“I’m honestly confused. How do women feel at the possibility of being taken advantage of by some man capitalizing on a system where he can claim to be a woman for the purpose of exploiting a situation? This is not asked from a perspective with any specific person or situation in mind, but I’m genuinely curious how women may feel at the potentiality of those who might be inclined to take advantage of and manipulate or abuse women in any environment that facilitates such exploitation.”

For those legitimately trying to navigate the complexity of their own trans identity, I believe it only adds tension to the situation they find themselves in when these issues get abused by those with selfish intentions or politically motivated agendas.

Rarely have I encountered someone where it was not evident the person was male or female. In these cases, if they don’t have their pronoun broadcast clearly on a T-shirt they may be wearing, or I have not seen their email signature that identifies it, then, should I choose to engage a conversation where I don’t want to offend, I may find myself in the awkward position of having to carefully navigating the social situation. Perhaps I will listen in on conversations and wait to see how others who know the person address them.

I imagine that if I were a female with enough masculine features that could confuse people as to my gender, and I would prefer not to be identified as a boy, then what I would do is choose more feminine style clothing and accentuate my more feminine characteristics in some way, or do other things that would make it more evident who I am. With this idea in mind, if I’m a transgender woman and I don’t have all the characteristics of a beautiful or ‘hot’ female, then I could understand dressing up to indicate to the outside world and make it evident how I choose to identify. When I encounter someone who appears to be clearly male, dressed in a way so as to broadcast femininity, which is the better approach? Should I assume 1), they are choosing to be a human billboard promoting a woke agenda, or rather should I take the position that 2), the statement they are publishing has no other agenda than their sincere best effort to reflect their own authentic self in the best way they know how? For me, my own personal truth is that to the best that I am able to judge impartially, I choose to take others at their word. I acknowledge that this takes practice, and I don’t always get it right. To the extent that the statement being broadcast by the way someone chooses to present themselves to the world is in essence, their “word,” how is the best way for me to judge? Can I take them at their word without compromising my belief that there are those with harmful agendas that undermine a very real struggle being experienced by those who are simply trying to circumnavigate this otherwise difficult terrain they find themselves in?

My prayer is that no matter where our political beliefs tend to draw us, individually we can still choose kindness and tolerance as we strive for unity in a world that otherwise seems to increasingly be pushing toward polarizing us into camps of “us” vs “them”.

Politically Motivated Agenda?

As a peacemaker at heart, I have some questions in reference to the idea of those with politically motivated agendas.

In their book Three Laws of Performance, the authors layout three laws that I find quite profound. They are worthy of reflection:

  • First – How people perform correlates to how situations occur to them.
  • Second – How a situation occurs arises in language.
  • Third – Future based language transforms how situations occur to people.

(See Zaffron, Steve; Logan, Dave. The Three Laws of Performance (J-B Warren Bennis Series), Wiley, 2009.)

As a peacemaker at heart, I have some questions in reference to the idea of those with politically motivated agendas.

The resourcefulness of the language we use serves us. It is important to understand the role language serves in shaping how things occur to people, and thereby transforming how people perform as a result. The constructive application of the three laws benefits us.

Can these laws be used destructively as well? Movements that seek to re-define the language we use should be carefully examined. Does the agenda and motive behind such causes serve the best interest of humanity? Does the result of such attempts serve to unite or polarize the culture into which the endeavor is being introduced?

Determinism and Free Will

How do we reconcile the idea that there is no strong scientific evidence that supports that we have free will, yet scripture confirms we do?

Atheist American philosopher and podcast host, Sam Harris explains the idea of determinism in his book titled “Free Will“. The key principal of Sam Harris’ argument against free will can be found on page 34:

“Decisions, intentions, efforts, goals, willpower, etc., are causal states of the brain, leading to specific behaviors, and behaviors lead to outcomes in the world. Human choice, therefore, is as important as fanciers of free will believe. But the next choice you make will come out of the darkness of prior causes that you, the conscious witness of your experience, did not bring into being…
From the perspective of your conscious awareness, you are no more responsible for the next thing you think (and therefore do) than you are for the fact that you were born into this world.” (Sam Harris, Free Will, pg 34-35)

What intrigues me about the idea of determinism is the studies that seem to confirm its validity:

“The physiologist Benjamin Libet famously used EEG to show that activity in the brain’s motor cortex can be detected some 300 milliseconds before a person feels that he has decided to move… More recently, direct recordings from the cortex showed that the activity of merely 256 neurons was sufficient to predict with 80 percent accuracy a person’s decision to move 700 milliseconds before he became aware of it.
These findings are difficult to reconcile with the sense that we are the conscious authors of our actions. One fact now seems indisputable: Some moments before you are aware of what you will do next—a time in which you subjectively appear to have complete freedom to behave however you please—your brain has already determined what you will do. You then become conscious of this ‘decision’ and believe that you are in the process of making it.” (Ibid. pg 7-8)

An example from EST training (from the 1970s) demonstrated the idea that we are not as free to choose as we like to think we are. The participant in the exercise was asked, at the count of three, to either raise or lower his hand that had been raised to the level in front of his face. After repeating the exercise the instructor asked the participant:

“’What happened the second time?’
‘The second time was really strange. I decided before you said “three” that I was going to raise my hand because the first time I’d lowered it. You said “one two three” and for about a second nothing happened. Then I said to myself, “I don’t feel like raising it.” Another couple of seconds went by with nothing and then I thought I’m going to raise it anyway. Two more seconds passed and the damn hand went down!’
(Laughter)
‘Okay, Robert, you asked about our having control over our thoughts and decisions we make. Is your question answered?’
Robert stares at Michael and shakes his head slowly. ‘I guess I didn’t have much control then, but… but I must be free to choose … something.’
‘Oh yeah,’ says Michael [somewhat sarcastically]. ‘At the end of the day we go into choice and it’ll be quite clear what you’re free to choose.’” (Luke Rhinehart, The Book of EST, pg. 182)

Evolutionary biologist Bret Weinstein (who, incidentally, also does not believe in god), has debated Sam Harris over this subject. Brett argues that the idea of determinism is completely inconsistent with evolution. Commenting on this debate later, Brett elaborated:

“So, my point is, look, I can’t say for sure that we don’t live in a deterministic universe, but I can say that a deterministic universe would be a very bizarre one. … And one of the manifestations of this is free will. In which we are actually able to choose. However, the fact that there, to me, appears to be free will, actual free will at our disposal, does not say that there’s nearly as much of it as people think. We are not very free. So I think Sam Harris has a point. Which is that we are highly, highly constrained. And I agree with him in that. But we are not totally constrained. And that’s the question. Is the amount of free will not very much, or zero? And my answer would be that a universe where its zero would be a very strange place indeed. It would make a mockery of subjective experience. There would be no point in having it. But, that doesn’t nail it down, that just says that, the argument that we have no free will, is a philosophical loser because it makes a more complicated universe, rather than a less complicated universe. It’s an Occam’s razor failure.” (I lost the argument with Sam Harris and still have free will, from Livestream #136)

How much truth is there in the proverb, “As a man thinketh, in his heart, so is he.” (Prov 23:7)? How do we reconcile the idea that there is no strong scientific evidence that supports that we have free will, yet scripture confirms we do? (See for example John 5:30, 2 Ne 2:27; 10:23, Mosiah 2:21, Alma 12:31, Helaman 14:30). Is there some validity to Brett Weinstein’s assessment, there appears to be “actual free will at our disposal,” but that there’s not “nearly as much of it as people think… that we are highly, highly constrained.”?

According to NeuroTray.com:

“The human brain can process up to 11 million bits of information per second. This is the natural processing capacity of the brain, including the conscious, subconscious, and unconscious mind. However, the conscious mind has a very limited capacity and it can handle anything from 40 to 120 bits of information in a second.” (https://neurotray.com/how-many-bits-of-information-can-the-brain-process/)

If free will (or free agency) is a true principal, as scriptures confirm, then there must lie something within the 40 to 120 bits of information in a second that our conscious mind is able to process and yet science is unable to measure, where our free will is exerted. The “80 percent accuracy of a person’s decision to move 700 milliseconds before he became aware of it” that science is able to confirm, still leaves a certain unmeasured percent where free will, if it exists, would have to be being exercised.

Years ago I remember being impressed while listening to an audio recording of Deepak Chopra relating how the human brain is able to digest food, monitor the location of stars, play the piano, and make a baby, all at the same time. While the brain is processing millions of bits of information in any given moment, we remain only conscious of (by some estimates) only seven to nine. And yet in the pride of our hearts we have the audacity to believe in something like, “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” (Invictus, William E. Henley)?

Despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary, we are taught that:

“…the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.” (2 Ne 2:16)

Somewhere in the recesses of our unconscious, the seemingly pre-determined choices that bubble up before we become conscious of them, have their origins in habits formed previously that serve to determine beforehand much of what we find ourselves doing in the present moment. Of course, Sam Harris argues that “there is no way I can influence my desires— for what tools of influence would I use?” (Free Will, pg. 20)

The only way I can explain the conundrum is to accept that what the scriptures teach about agency is true, and therefore, there are hidden instances (Sam Harris actually uses the word “hidden” to describe this behavior on pg 44), outside of moments that science has been able to measure, where we can and do exercise free agency in ways that influence future unconscious intentions that bubble up into present decisions and actions.

I liken it to the process of exercising your heart. You can work on most muscles in your body by working out with them directly, but when it comes to the heart, you can only affect it indirectly through cardiovascular exercise.

Joseph Smith describes the process this way:

“Are you not dependent on your faith, or belief, for the acquisition of all knowledge, wisdom, and intelligence? Would you exert yourselves to obtain wisdom and intelligence unless you did believe that you could obtain them?… Turn your thoughts on your own minds, and see if faith is not the moving cause of all action in yourselves” Lectures on Faith, Lecture 1:11.

Examine the root word for determinism:
de·ter·mine
verb [with object]
1 cause (something) to occur in a particular way; be the decisive factor in:
2 [no object] firmly decide:

And the suffix
-ism
1 forming nouns denoting an action or its result:
2 forming nouns denoting a system, principle, or ideological movement:

The only dictionary definition for the word “determinism” is “the doctrine that all events, including human action, are ultimately determined by causes external to the will.” However, when we apply the rule of language for the suffix “-ism” to “determine” there’s no reason the word could not as easily mean “the action of determining or firmly deciding”, which implies the exercise of free will. It’s worth reflecting on the juxtaposition of these two conflicting definitions.

Consider the story of the “Fifty-Cent Lesson” from Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich:

“Shortly after Mr. Darby received his degree from the ‘University of Hard Knocks,’ and had decided to profit by his experience in the gold mining business, he had the good fortune to be present on an occasion that proved to him that ‘No’ does not necessarily mean no.

One afternoon he was helping his uncle grind wheat in an old fashioned mill. The uncle operated a large farm on which a number of colored sharecrop farmers lived. Quietly, the door was opened, and a small colored child, the daughter of a tenant, walked in and took her place near the door.

The uncle looked up, saw the child, and barked at her roughly, ‘what do you want?’ Meekly, the child replied, ‘My mammy say send her fifty cents.’ ‘I’ll not do it,’ the uncle retorted, ‘Now you run on home.’ ‘Yas sah,’ the child replied. But she did not move. The uncle went ahead with his work, so busily engaged that he did not pay enough attention to the child to observe that she did not leave. When he looked up and saw her still standing there, he yelled at her, ‘I told you to go on home! Now go, or I’ll take a switch to you.’ The little girl said ‘yas sah,’ but she did not budge an inch. The uncle dropped a sack of grain he was about to pour into the mill hopper, picked up a barrel stave, and started toward the child with an expression on his face that indicated trouble.

Darby held his breath. He was certain he was about to witness a murder. He knew his uncle had a fierce temper. He knew that colored children were not supposed to defy white people in that part of the country.

When the uncle reached the spot where the child was standing, she quickly stepped forward one step, looked up into his eyes, and screamed at the top of her shrill voice, ‘MY MAMMY’S GOTTA HAVE THAT FIFTY CENTS!’

The uncle stopped, looked at her for a minute, then slowly laid the barrel stave on the floor, put his hand in his pocket, took out half a dollar, and gave it to her. The child took the money and slowly backed toward the door, never taking her eyes off the man whom she had just conquered.

After she had gone, the uncle sat down on a box and looked out the window into space for more than ten minutes. He was pondering, with awe, over the whipping he had just taken. Mr. Darby, too, was doing some thinking. That was the first time in all his experience that he had seen a colored child deliberately master an adult white person. How did she do it? What happened to his uncle that caused him to lose his fierceness and become as docile as a lamb? What strange power did this child use that made her master over her superior?”
(Think and Grow Rich, pg 12-14)

This story exemplifies the second definition I have applied to the word “determinism,” or perhaps better, “determination” (firmness of purpose; resoluteness). If you could have measured using EEG what was going on in the mind of the child during this confrontation, would you have been able “to predict with 80 percent accuracy” her “decision to move 700 milliseconds” before she became aware of it? Are there moments where we bypass the conditions of what science has been able to measure? Are there moments where we determine “to serve [God] at all hazards” (see Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pg 150), that set in motion future actions in ways we are completely unaware?

I firmly believe that at this very moment we are in contact with God through His Spirit. He is giving us life. He is not a distant God. He is an immediate and an intimate God. He knows our thoughts because He gives us the ability and freedom to think. He knows how to judge us because everything we do uses His power. He lends us life and light (see Mosiah 2:21). We have only the illusion of privacy. We have the freedom to act and choose, but our freedom operates inside His creation. Everything is dependent on His power.

I was impressed by something that was shared with me over a year ago on what it means to be “added upon”. If you’ve ever engaged in an internal debate in which you were tempted to do something and you held yourself back from doing so, you have (every one of us has) been added upon. The more we do that over the course of a lifetime and the more we connect to the Record of Heaven, the more we are able to understand and see and comprehend the truth of all things. It’s what we are here to experience. It’s what we are here to do. And every time we make a move in that direction, we are “added upon.” (see Abraham 3:26)